im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
