i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
