My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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