True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
