so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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