i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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