he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
