got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
