My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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