No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
