good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
