Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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