you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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