why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
