2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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