Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
