They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i now understand why vodka
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
