Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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