He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
