So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize