Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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