It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize