You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
