I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
