i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
