She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
