you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
