I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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