I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
