Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
