I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
