This is not my ceiling
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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