I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My penis needs a shock collar
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
