I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
