When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
