I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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