these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
zippers are such a cool invention
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
