I think I won the penis lottery.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
