Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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