I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
