i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
