I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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