So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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