Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
