tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
