did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize