"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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