So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
