Barsexuality is the new black.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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