she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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