I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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