Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
