He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
