I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize