He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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