i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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