I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
