Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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