I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
